I’m almost afraid to even get started on this as I will most likely get in a rant and not stop about the absurdity of it all and…blah there I go already.
So foreword: I am writing this while being upfront of one of the clinics I work at so I may publish this half completed but I want to get out whatever I can in these last thirty-ish minutes.
So self-care. I almost feel as if it is a ginormous sham for me as a grad student when I try to pass it on to my clients or fellow co-counselors. I just keep having these thoughts in my head go on and on about how I do not have any time to actually take care of myself as I should be working: either at a job so I can actually support my family and I (or try and feel like it at least), pay off bills/tuition, working on subject matter for clients, or overall just do not deserve it. Blah all this while trying to push my co-counselors and clients to take time to care for themselves.
I mean, I do get some sense of relief talking with others and being able to see them relaxing, but all that is doing it making me dependent upon their state of mind and not my own. I do have my own skill set though. I love doing Autogenics Training and Deep Breathing as mindfulness tools. But I have this nagging feeling that if I have time to relax before 2am every day, I am missing something. And that bothers me. And I get stressed that I am bothered about missing something imaginary. So I start to worry about worrying. Then I freak out questioning why I cannot calm down. Then get pissed at myself for not being able to calm down. And pissed about being pissed… By this time I have a raging headache and snap at anyone…which you probably guessed it, helps kick me down a notch.
One saving grace, and I am soooo not meaning to be corny, is my wife. She…well she’s definitely more hardheaded than I when it comes to making sure I have relax time. She always finds ways to point out how some of my reactions/feelings are due to being stressed and tired (I think I talked about my schedule last time or so). Now normally someone might get pissed that their faults are being pointed out, but I find it comforting as she’s the only one I’ve let really see me as I am. Which is quite ironic as I have been telling other co-counselors to journal/blog and even use mine as an example. So they might see this glimpse (Hey everyone) but only she, well only she really knows my demons and their names. Quite appropriate I might say.
But I digress, the sham of self-care. Bah not a sham, just…feels like one when you realize how little time there is for it in a grad student’s life.
Bah again, but there is a need for it. And honestly I do try to take time out and practice self-care, even if it is only for a few minutes. Oh man! Those few minutes do make a world of a difference. So while I may be sitting here complaining about self-care, please try to take some time out, every day, for yourself and remind yourself about your reason for doing what you are doing. Pay check? Education? To help others? Whatever it may be, hold on to it, nurture it, grow it, raise it to be such a powerful force of reckoning within yourself that whenever you need that boost, you can call upon its mightiness and feel at ease with yourself and events around you.
BTW: I do not want to leave without some resources from apps that might be helpful. I do not have an IPhone so some I am not sure about but if you try any, let me know how they work.
Ok time for my next session, later!